Words of a Song

Ive been writting some more music lately and it speaks very closely to the things that I am going through right now. Just a quick update: Iam still in residents at my parents house. It has been 2 months now. I most certainly didnt expect this turn of events and It is by far one of the more challenging things I have had to deal with in the past fewe  years. I love my family but its very humbling to need to rely on them after being independent for so long. I am also enrolled in classes for the fall so I can finish my business degree finally, only a few years behind my class mates :). I still dont have a clear idea as to why God has led me to this place - maybe I wont find out till years from now. In the mean time I am enjoying it as much as possible and looking for oppertunities wherever they present themselves. Maybe ill be somewhere new in anotheryear from now. Below is the lyrics for 2 of my latest songs.

Not My Home
I know this world is not my own. I know Im just passing through,
but Lord this road seems so long. Wont you come and guide me.

I look behind me and see the past. I look ahead and see the futures already here.
Oh Lord where did the time go? I see my feet and the paths set before me,
where do I go from here?

Come and be my guide.
Come and be my wisdom.
Come and be my eyes,
For I cant see in this darkness anymore.

Should I listen to the voice in my mind telling me go left, then telling me go right? Im so confused.
Where did your voice go? I lost it somewhere along the way. Let you spirit come and speak to me again; wont you be the light that comes to show the way.

When you take my hand and lead me on I can be strong and follow you home.
You are my hope. You are my future. I'll follow you home. Lord lead on.

Rhythm of Your Heart
My hearts off beat, wont you refresh its memory.
It forgot why it was beating in the first place, and what runs through its veins.
A selfish, wayword heart loses its way.
Now its off track and cant keep the world at bay.
It hears the beat of the darkness and cant find the music of the day.
Lord there's so much confusion. Lord there's so much at stake.

I need to hear the rhythm of your heart.
Remind me what flows through my veins,
Its your love.
Its your grace.
Its your breath of life living inside of me.
Its your blood.

I remember the last time I was in your arms.
I remember the feel of your heart.
I dont want to cling to just a memory,
To remember only yesterdays.

I want my feet to match the steps of the redeemer. I want to know what He feels; what He thinks.
I want to move with the Lord of the dance, and dance to the beat of the heart of my King.

When I remember who You are,
When I rememer who I am,
When You show me all You've done,
You shed your light again

Now I can hear the rhythm of your heart.
I know what flows in my veins,
Its Your love.
Its Your grace.
Its Your breath of life living inside of me.
Its Your blood.

You gave me new life, you gave me new hope. Can you hear the sound? Its the music of His heart. I will dance into eternity.

A thoughtless afternoon

I had intended on writing a long blog and writing about all that has happened since i moved. I ended up journaling for nearly an hour. Come to find out there is not much of a story to share as of yet. Im still slightly confused. I am happy. Im learning, and not at all what I had thought. God is good. He surrounds me everyday. I cannot turn around without running into Him it seems. Its wonderful. I have a lot to learn, im sure im making some mistakes even now - but i know God is gracious. I pray that He will guide my steps and show me where to be today, and tomorrow. I don't dare look beyond that. There is too much in just now. I think I might start writing a book. and fill it with photographs as well. As the saying goes a picture speaks a thousand words so the book should hold volumes. :) Its been good to blog again. perhaps my mind wont be so long in pondering the idea next time.

A Moving Adventure

Many people have asked why Im moving. Why the sudden move with no real purpose? Well here is the story behind the change, and there is always a purpose.
The year 2011 was already marked as a year for change. God had told me back in January. What that meant, Im really not sure. He has a way of being so very direct and vague all at the same time. Did it mean I was going on missions this year, or getting in a relationship? Did it mean I was moving down the street or across the country? Or did it mean things were going to happen completely outside my control and that it would affect me in a drastic way? I have no Idea. but I can say the first half of the year has already been filled with so much, if there was anymore I wouldn't have known where to put it. I have had the feeling since spring that I was going to move this year. No confirmed word, no one speaking over me; just a feeling. Then, in May I went to visit my family in Alaska. I went looking at it as the potential destination of my move. Upon coming home I had no draw, no stirring that Alaska is where I needed to be. As much as I LOVED seeing my family, that in and of itself is not a valid enough reason for me to move. I have family all over.
One thing that did keep coming up in my mind was the Carolinas. Mom would call and mention something happening there, I would see NC ballers when I walked by the TV in the gym. For some reason it just stuck out to me. So I began throwing it out there when I was talking w/ Jesus. Every time there was a yearning in my spirit. Like this might be it. then I would rationalize - what the heck is in Carolina?? I really don't know people there. The one person I do know keeps moving, so thats unstable, I have no job lined up, no  churches that I know. Theres nothing to pull me there.... except for this stirring.
I went to Youth Group a few weeks later and we had a guest speaker. She spoke on trusting what God puts before you. Sometimes there are sacrifices that have to be made but the rewards, God's goodness far outweighs any sacrifice. And she talked about going. If Jesus says go, then go. Of COURSE that would be the message of the night. I went home after service and started writing letter to people close to me. I hadn't even decided if/when I was moving but as I began to write to these people it showed me where my heart was. The following weekend I had dinner w/ a friend of mine. She had no idea what had been going through my mind or even that I had  thoughts on moving. Somewhere in the midst of our discussion it turned to God's blessings in peoples lives. How I am ready to drop everything and do what God wants me to do if he would put something In front of me. The wisdom that was returned was simply: "sometimes we have to move and have faith the God will bless us. instead of waiting for the perfect thing to fall into our lap." - and she didnt even know!!! When I got home I decided it best not to go to my Bible cause God probably had some confirming word He wanted to share with me and I wasn't quite sure I was ready to receive it. So I picked up a book I was reading instead. Low and behold the chapter I open to would be Learning to Surrender. After reading the chapter, It seems Jesus had found a way of giving me His confirming word anyways. I knew that I was moving. There are other details here and there that have contributed to my decision but non so great as these.
Since that time, less than a month ago, God has been so good to reassure me in my decision. I am so excited to see whats going to happen when I get there. I don't have any confirmed plans, I dont have a job waiting for me, I dont know anyone in the town that I am destined to, But I am at complete peace. Any sadness I may have at leaving the family of friends Im surrounded with is over shadowed by the excitement of what God has in store. God has blessed me with all that I have and I am honored to give it all away and to start again.
Ill keep you all posted on the adventure to come :)

and of course picture updates as well!

Songs

Overwhelmed

When I see your face, When I hear your voice,

When I look in the eyes of the one I love,

When I Hold your hand, When we walk together,

All fear is gone in a moment.

I Will sing. I will shout. 

I cant stay silent anymore.

Im overwhelmed, with this love.

Im overwhelmed with the one who loves me

Your my better half. Your my whole, my everything. 

All I have, all I need.

All I long for in this life, you satisfy.

Just who you are. you satisfy.

Now, I will sing. I will dance.

 I will rejoice with the heavens

You are God. You are King.

Beginning and the end, everything.

I stand firm; not confused.

I am wrapped in the arms of the one who brought me through.

I am in his army. I am on my knees,

with a sword in my hand, my eyes on the one who gives command.

We are fighting for his kingdom

to take back those who were taken from Him.

He says run and I will run.

He says stay and I will stay.

He says lose yourself and I lose myself in Him.

and, I will sing, I will dance. 

I will fight beside the one took my hand.

His love is overwhelming.

Im overwhelmed with the one who loves me, with His love. 

Lord's Vision

He is the dreamer. 

I am the dream,

A walking vision of the Lord.

I cannot fathom you mind Lord.

I do not understand your ways

Yet my Love continues to unfold 

as i discover yours again.

and i know, I am the dream of a king.

A lily in the valley,

did you dream of me there?

A stream of cool waters,

Did i dance by its shore?

the Teacher of good,

Did I sit at your feet?

How did you picture you and me?

You are the dreamer

I am the dream.

A Walking vision of my Lord.

Reflections

Ive been thinking about the last year and everything that has happened and all the things that God has done. I cannot believe it. 2010 is coming to a close. where did it all go??? as i grow older the time seems to move more quickly. slipping by unseen and unfelt if we are not careful. It has been a crazy and eventful year indeed. My heart was broken to pieces this year, but it was also a summer of love with me and jesus. I have struggled this year like i never have before and yet I have some of the best stories of God's provision in my life, from this year. I met a whole new part of the family of God and have started serving in a new church. It is the first time in almost 7 years! I have also made some new friends that love Jesus and encourage me and remind me how good the love of my life is. I got to see my family this year! what  a blessing they are. It brings me to tears even as i write this to know that time is a precious things that i never have enough of when it comes to my family. I love them so dearly. Jesus has taken me to new places this year for sure. I have walked the desert and i have walked the ocean shore. I know there are still mountains and rivers and valleys and more deserts to cross. I cant say that I am prepared for everything but I know that He has carried me this far and he will continue to carry my through. I read an interesting quote that i love a few days ago : 

" when the storms of life come, don't be afraid to dance in the rain." I love it! 

I have been to weddings, baby-showers, and funerals this year. All a reminder of how fragile and precious the time we have is. I have cried more this year than i ever have before. tears of pain and of joy. The more time goes on the more i think my heart is softened to the people and circumstances around me. the more i begin to see, i think, what Jesus sees when he looks at us. Things are always changing, and we can never take back the moments we lost or gave away. 

these are a few photos from this past year: 

I started this year out with a few goals in mind and though i didn't accomplish all of them, I think i did alright. I wanted to grow closer to jesus and understand his heart better. I think that in His grace, I  have.

I wanted to get a new job and be a light to the people i work with. I am humbled to know that not only did i get a new job, but God has allowed me to be a light there and He reminds me of it all the time. I wanted to meet new people that love and encourage me in Jesus. He most certainly has brought people to me! I hoped to be in a relationship by the end of this year, though not a goal of mine, it definitely was a desire. That has not happened. - I think im completely ok with that. Jesus knows what i want, and he know what I need even better than I. I have come to realize that when Im not distracted and my heart is not in pursuit of people, I am more than completely captivated with Jesus. That is where i always want to be, He has always known me best. and since He has my heart, I know that He will give it to the right person at the right time. Im counting on Him :) I also wanted to at least start learning a second language this year. I gave myself till the end of 2011 to be fluent in a second language - that just means i have a lot of work to do this next year. I know I can though.

Jesus has been so good to me. I cannot believe 2010 is over. It is a bittersweet goodbye, for we will never have this time again, but memories that will last forever have been created and The future is tomorrow. God is good and I cant wait to see how he is gonna change, grow and use me in 2011, as well as everything around me. He is the Light of my world.

Love you Jesus. Thank you for the life that you have given to me. for the relationships and carrying me through the days i wasn't sure i was gonna make it through. Thank you for knowing my heart. that you for giving me all those desires and longings. and thank you that I can trust you with every one.

I want to be more and more in love with you. I cannot wait.

 <3 <3 <3

                                                                   -Heidi B.

Confirming Visions

Let me just share with you a Vision a friend of mine shared with me last night. He has seen this since he was a kid: "Everyone is outside. Thousands of people - as far as the eye could see. I walk out in the front (i dont even know why I was there, maybe  i was a speaker, idk why i was up there but I was) My wife was there and Jesus was there. The feeling that was there is inexpressable. The atmosphere charged with the presence of Jesus and the Spirit and all the presence of Heaven. The next thing I knew everyone and i mean EVERYONE was dancing in joyous worship to the Lord. It was an increadible sight to see. thousands of people dancing for jesus - then my eyes were open to the spirit and I saw. The angels were having a party right in our midst. as they were all dancing things being broken off everywhere i looked. People being healed, while they danced! people being set free from depression, demonic presence, fear, anxiety, while they were dancing. People getting saved and learning who Jesus is, while they were dancing!! in all of this, the dance steps of the crowd, just giving glory to Jesus was like a war march and the enemy was being trampled under our feet. I cannot even express to you the dynamic of what Jesus was doing. There were so many things going on yet it seemed like it was all happening in the same moment. And to Jesus be all the glory. I dont even know why I was there but I'm so glad I was and I know that it is going to happen. That is only a glimps Jesus is going to do even more before and after."
This is what He shared with me. Now THIS is the vision i was giving when i was 14-15 years old. A year after I stared walking with the Lord.
" There is a crowd of people outside. Thousands and Thousands. all different ethnicities. people that seemed they could have been from everywhere. and there i was. on my knees out in front. I was looking out over this gathering of people and tears were pouring down my face. but they were tears of joy! and I was smiling/laughing/couldnt really decide. I was so overwhelmed with the presence of Jesus and the Glory of the Lord. and so overwhelmed by the Love that was there. everyones hands were lifted in worship it was the biggest worship fest i have ever seen. Then as if on que from the front to the back everyone started Dancing. There was such a release in the spirit if you've never experianced it i cannot explain it. There was such Joy and abandonment. overwhelming love from jesus and from jesus people."

Wow God is sooo good. it so funny that when we look through his eyes and have His heart that we really do see and feel what He does. soo confirming.

Thanks Jesus. and I know that these things will happen cause its your heart.

His encouragement to me

Christopher and I had an awesome talk the other night. We talked about hearing the voice of the Lord and responding to it. Jesus speaks. but do we listen? I talk to Jesus every day all day. the term constant companion is a reality of my everyday life when it comes to the Lord. I do find it interesting though that more times that not im chattering away. "Lord this and Lord that and oh ya did you know . . ." dont get me wrong Jesus wants to hear and loves to hear about our days, our worries, struggles, joys, hurts, trials and accomplishments. But when were all done talking we should listen to what Jesus wants to say. I need to put into practice sitting in silence at the feet of the Lord. I dont want to miss anything that He has to share with me.

Its so crazy because over the last few months God has done and is doing a work in my heart. I have come to know him leaps and bounds more than i did even a year ago. it really is crazy to think about. anyways we were talking and I asked Him that when He decides to bring a man into my life, that i would be oblivious until the He opens my eyes to that man. I dont want to persue anyone, I dont want to think about anyone, I just want me and jesus and people that encourage our relationship. I want to be a woman that is constantly seeking after God's heart. I want to be broken for those whom He is broken  for. i want to have Joy over the the things He has joy over. I want to see people the way that He sees people. I want to speak love into their lives. The love of jesus that saves and heals and encourages and restores. I want to be grace and blessing In the lives of those around me, because i want them to understand that Jesus is Grace. I want all these things because I know that Jesus will be glorified in it. I want to Golrify my Jesus. I want to put a smile on His face evertime he looks at me. I never want to be the object of his dissapointment. I want to be the catipult for his blessing and joy. 

When God does bring that man into my life, and opens my eyes to him, I want to be nothing less than all these things as well. I want to serve him - because in so doing, I will be serving the Lord. I want to be his confirmation of the Lord speaking. I want to be a blessing to his spirit and encourage him to walk more closely with Jesus; the closer that He is with Jesus then the closer I can be to him. I want to be a prophecy fulfilled in his life and I want nothing less than him to Know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has spoken us into life together. anything short of that, is short of what Jesus has for us. The Lord speaks if only we will listen. Sometimes he is silent - but He is only teaching us how we ourselves can be silent so that when He does say something - even a whisper is udeniable when you have been sitting in silence. The Lord knows what He is doing.

I will wait on Jesus. He knows my hearts desires, and He will give me the desires of my heart. I do not have to fear the actions of others because they do not determine my relationship with Jesus. My Hope is in Him and I trust in Him to carry out the promises He has given to me. No matter how long the wait - His answer is worth it.