Reflections

Ive been thinking about the last year and everything that has happened and all the things that God has done. I cannot believe it. 2010 is coming to a close. where did it all go??? as i grow older the time seems to move more quickly. slipping by unseen and unfelt if we are not careful. It has been a crazy and eventful year indeed. My heart was broken to pieces this year, but it was also a summer of love with me and jesus. I have struggled this year like i never have before and yet I have some of the best stories of God's provision in my life, from this year. I met a whole new part of the family of God and have started serving in a new church. It is the first time in almost 7 years! I have also made some new friends that love Jesus and encourage me and remind me how good the love of my life is. I got to see my family this year! what  a blessing they are. It brings me to tears even as i write this to know that time is a precious things that i never have enough of when it comes to my family. I love them so dearly. Jesus has taken me to new places this year for sure. I have walked the desert and i have walked the ocean shore. I know there are still mountains and rivers and valleys and more deserts to cross. I cant say that I am prepared for everything but I know that He has carried me this far and he will continue to carry my through. I read an interesting quote that i love a few days ago : 

" when the storms of life come, don't be afraid to dance in the rain." I love it! 

I have been to weddings, baby-showers, and funerals this year. All a reminder of how fragile and precious the time we have is. I have cried more this year than i ever have before. tears of pain and of joy. The more time goes on the more i think my heart is softened to the people and circumstances around me. the more i begin to see, i think, what Jesus sees when he looks at us. Things are always changing, and we can never take back the moments we lost or gave away. 

these are a few photos from this past year: 

I started this year out with a few goals in mind and though i didn't accomplish all of them, I think i did alright. I wanted to grow closer to jesus and understand his heart better. I think that in His grace, I  have.

I wanted to get a new job and be a light to the people i work with. I am humbled to know that not only did i get a new job, but God has allowed me to be a light there and He reminds me of it all the time. I wanted to meet new people that love and encourage me in Jesus. He most certainly has brought people to me! I hoped to be in a relationship by the end of this year, though not a goal of mine, it definitely was a desire. That has not happened. - I think im completely ok with that. Jesus knows what i want, and he know what I need even better than I. I have come to realize that when Im not distracted and my heart is not in pursuit of people, I am more than completely captivated with Jesus. That is where i always want to be, He has always known me best. and since He has my heart, I know that He will give it to the right person at the right time. Im counting on Him :) I also wanted to at least start learning a second language this year. I gave myself till the end of 2011 to be fluent in a second language - that just means i have a lot of work to do this next year. I know I can though.

Jesus has been so good to me. I cannot believe 2010 is over. It is a bittersweet goodbye, for we will never have this time again, but memories that will last forever have been created and The future is tomorrow. God is good and I cant wait to see how he is gonna change, grow and use me in 2011, as well as everything around me. He is the Light of my world.

Love you Jesus. Thank you for the life that you have given to me. for the relationships and carrying me through the days i wasn't sure i was gonna make it through. Thank you for knowing my heart. that you for giving me all those desires and longings. and thank you that I can trust you with every one.

I want to be more and more in love with you. I cannot wait.

 <3 <3 <3

                                                                   -Heidi B.

Confirming Visions

Let me just share with you a Vision a friend of mine shared with me last night. He has seen this since he was a kid: "Everyone is outside. Thousands of people - as far as the eye could see. I walk out in the front (i dont even know why I was there, maybe  i was a speaker, idk why i was up there but I was) My wife was there and Jesus was there. The feeling that was there is inexpressable. The atmosphere charged with the presence of Jesus and the Spirit and all the presence of Heaven. The next thing I knew everyone and i mean EVERYONE was dancing in joyous worship to the Lord. It was an increadible sight to see. thousands of people dancing for jesus - then my eyes were open to the spirit and I saw. The angels were having a party right in our midst. as they were all dancing things being broken off everywhere i looked. People being healed, while they danced! people being set free from depression, demonic presence, fear, anxiety, while they were dancing. People getting saved and learning who Jesus is, while they were dancing!! in all of this, the dance steps of the crowd, just giving glory to Jesus was like a war march and the enemy was being trampled under our feet. I cannot even express to you the dynamic of what Jesus was doing. There were so many things going on yet it seemed like it was all happening in the same moment. And to Jesus be all the glory. I dont even know why I was there but I'm so glad I was and I know that it is going to happen. That is only a glimps Jesus is going to do even more before and after."
This is what He shared with me. Now THIS is the vision i was giving when i was 14-15 years old. A year after I stared walking with the Lord.
" There is a crowd of people outside. Thousands and Thousands. all different ethnicities. people that seemed they could have been from everywhere. and there i was. on my knees out in front. I was looking out over this gathering of people and tears were pouring down my face. but they were tears of joy! and I was smiling/laughing/couldnt really decide. I was so overwhelmed with the presence of Jesus and the Glory of the Lord. and so overwhelmed by the Love that was there. everyones hands were lifted in worship it was the biggest worship fest i have ever seen. Then as if on que from the front to the back everyone started Dancing. There was such a release in the spirit if you've never experianced it i cannot explain it. There was such Joy and abandonment. overwhelming love from jesus and from jesus people."

Wow God is sooo good. it so funny that when we look through his eyes and have His heart that we really do see and feel what He does. soo confirming.

Thanks Jesus. and I know that these things will happen cause its your heart.

His encouragement to me

Christopher and I had an awesome talk the other night. We talked about hearing the voice of the Lord and responding to it. Jesus speaks. but do we listen? I talk to Jesus every day all day. the term constant companion is a reality of my everyday life when it comes to the Lord. I do find it interesting though that more times that not im chattering away. "Lord this and Lord that and oh ya did you know . . ." dont get me wrong Jesus wants to hear and loves to hear about our days, our worries, struggles, joys, hurts, trials and accomplishments. But when were all done talking we should listen to what Jesus wants to say. I need to put into practice sitting in silence at the feet of the Lord. I dont want to miss anything that He has to share with me.

Its so crazy because over the last few months God has done and is doing a work in my heart. I have come to know him leaps and bounds more than i did even a year ago. it really is crazy to think about. anyways we were talking and I asked Him that when He decides to bring a man into my life, that i would be oblivious until the He opens my eyes to that man. I dont want to persue anyone, I dont want to think about anyone, I just want me and jesus and people that encourage our relationship. I want to be a woman that is constantly seeking after God's heart. I want to be broken for those whom He is broken  for. i want to have Joy over the the things He has joy over. I want to see people the way that He sees people. I want to speak love into their lives. The love of jesus that saves and heals and encourages and restores. I want to be grace and blessing In the lives of those around me, because i want them to understand that Jesus is Grace. I want all these things because I know that Jesus will be glorified in it. I want to Golrify my Jesus. I want to put a smile on His face evertime he looks at me. I never want to be the object of his dissapointment. I want to be the catipult for his blessing and joy. 

When God does bring that man into my life, and opens my eyes to him, I want to be nothing less than all these things as well. I want to serve him - because in so doing, I will be serving the Lord. I want to be his confirmation of the Lord speaking. I want to be a blessing to his spirit and encourage him to walk more closely with Jesus; the closer that He is with Jesus then the closer I can be to him. I want to be a prophecy fulfilled in his life and I want nothing less than him to Know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has spoken us into life together. anything short of that, is short of what Jesus has for us. The Lord speaks if only we will listen. Sometimes he is silent - but He is only teaching us how we ourselves can be silent so that when He does say something - even a whisper is udeniable when you have been sitting in silence. The Lord knows what He is doing.

I will wait on Jesus. He knows my hearts desires, and He will give me the desires of my heart. I do not have to fear the actions of others because they do not determine my relationship with Jesus. My Hope is in Him and I trust in Him to carry out the promises He has given to me. No matter how long the wait - His answer is worth it. 

presence

Last night was Worship night at faith assembly. It was amazing. :) i looove worshiping our king with other people. It doesnt happen nearly enough for me. I love to dance in worship so when they told everyone they could come to the front, I went to the side so i could have my space. dont wanna be hitting people while i dance lol. while I was over there I noticed another woman that stood beside me. I dont know this girl at all but I see her often at my old youth group. she is a sister in worship for sure! we seriously looked at each other, had silent confirmation and joy and they we both just started dancing in woship, I love it! and i told her so afterward too :) another thing that I always end up doing is turning and looking at everyone who is worshipping. To see a group of people lifting their hands to the Lord and singing in unison; that brings me to my knees. I cant imagine what the Lord feels who is receiving the worship and praise. How it must warm his heart.
In the middle of a song, they started singing a line that said "you bring us back to where it all began..." and went on from there. well until that moment I had completely put it out of my mind but at that exact altar is where I rededicated my life to christ almost 7 years ago. He really had brought me back to where His Transformation of my life began. I could remember vividly the way I felt. sitting in one of the back rows with a group of my friends. The altar call was being made. I didnt feel the need to respond, I was already saved. I knew who God was. but the speaker kept calling over and over again. at that point my head was down and my eyes were focused on the abise of the mind. Then I felt a hand take mine. and I got up, i didnt realize till that moment that I was crying. and I was also shocked to realize that there was no one there holding my hand, but it felt like someone was. I passed my my friends sitting in their seats, who were rather suprised to see me walking toward the front. The funny thing is so was I. but the whole time I felt like holy spirit just took my hand, guided me to the altar and held it while I spoke my heart to the Lord. My life has never been the same.
Now here I was worshipping the king of kings at the same altar, blessing the lord. and the altar was filled with people lifting their hands to him. Its funny that I was giving glory to God yet I was being overwhelmed by who He is. Jesus is so good.
near the end I went to the back so I could actually dance and not be in  anyones way and I searioulsy couldnt stop laughing in my spirit the whole time. Im sure I looked ridiculous. but it was soo good. to get down in the presence of the lord.

God is so worthy of all that we are. In every moment. with every word we breath, with every move of our hand He is worthy to be worshipped. I dont want to take a step where He is not walking. I dont want to speak a word that is not honoring. I want to look with his eyes and listen with His spirit and speak with His wisdom. because He is worthy and requires nothing less than that. Me.

He's too good

I havent posted about how good God is in a couple of weeks.  figured it was about time. Can i just say that my heart is overflowing w/ the goodness and grace of Jesus. I cannot get over how He loves us. The moments when I feel insecure or doubt who I am in Him, He always and I mean always brings someone or something along my way to lift my face back to Jesus. The other day I just had a random yearing to go to esspresso world and worship on the keys. I ahvent been there in months. I get there play one song and then an old friend/customer of mine comes in to say hello to me. We get to talkin and i find out that she has a rare disease in her wrist and its not looking so good, i asked if i could pray with her. She said sure. I prayed a short prayer, when I was done she looked at me and said "heidi, you know im a born again believer, saved by grace right?" "WHAT??!!!" i had no idea! i was so excited i wanted to cry and jump up and down at the same time. :) I had gone to espresso wold to worship, and that is exactly what I got to do. God really knows what He is doing. I also helped host a work party for holloween. I got a chance to get to know of few of our residence a little bit better and see their kids dressed up. They were super cute :)  One of the residence walked over and introduced himself, then said he heard I was a christian. He was too! I was like what the heck! i dont even know how you know that but, how awesome. We spent the next 15 minutes talking about how good God is and what God is doing here. It was so encouraging. I love that God is in complete control over eveything. He is the Perfect orcestrator of life and he crosses peoples paths just at the right moments.

Speaking of crossings peoples paths...
There is this friend. He is an amazing man of God. I have been so blessed to have people placed in my life that our encouragers. Seriously Im surrounded by godly wisdom from so many people its just stupid. Every time i leave my friend's house I am more encouraged and my faith is stirred. I love it. We had a really good talk about hearing the voice of God. Im so thankful that God knows just what i need. when we just sit and listen to what He has to say, It makes our lives soooo much easlier. His way is always the best way and when we are listening to the voice a God and respond to it, we never have to worry about messin up because we're following jesus footsteps not a strangers. I love Jesus. I want to walk in his light I want to share his light and I want everyone to know that the Love of Jesus is bigger, stronger, greater, more powerful, more giving  than anything else in this world. His love created this world and His love carries me through it. and im so glad to know that nothing in or out of  this world can seperate me from the love of God. Hes too good.

Family visits

I Just spent the last week with my mom and sister. even in 10 months they have changed so much its ridiculous! Amy is basically as tall as me, and i pretty sure she needs pulled out of school cause she's gorgeous. I recommended home-schooling. :) As much as it would be exciting to drive around, show them all sorts of cool things, go shopping (which we did) and have their whole trip planned, It seemed to me way better to just relax and enjoy their company. Who knows when i will even get to see them again.
Its crazy to me the amount of love that jesus has for me and for us. My heart aches watching my family leave, I cannot even fathom the heart of God. He is so good. I am so blessed to have the moments i do. To see God living in people and watch him move.
side note - my mom just texted me "Legit" ahahah i didn't know she knew that word existed. lol
But like i said God is, in his wisdom and glory, beyond what we could hope or imagine. His love for us is deeper than we could ever fathom.
I want to love like he does.

Just realized my thoughts are kinda scattered throughout but here are some pics of my ladies:

Summer Humility

During the spring season I asked God for a few things: grace, a greater capacity to love, and humility. Even though I know what I’m asking for, and I know God answers me, I am always surprised by his response. This summer was a summer of humility for me. I went from being one of the top people at my work – training and being respected as a leader – to being on the bottom of the totem pole; In a new position, where I need to be trained and corrected. I went from pursuing a relationship with someone who is very dear to my heart to no relationship at all. I thrive off of being with people. They energize me and keep me in the boundaries of normality, least I get lost in the recesses of my mind , yet I spent the vast majority of my summer alone. I went from being someone that could take people where they needed to go, To not having any form a transportation and having to rely on other people myself.



God really knows how to answer prayer. In all of this God was bigger than life for me. I lived In grace everyday because I was constantly be humbled the only thing I could firmly hold was His grace. And love, I am learning to love, every day. I get to experience Jesus love more every day, but I also get to understand his love a little more. Its heart opening when you truly love someone, who doesn’t return or even acknowledge that love. It’s a whole other playing field. In this realm you can be hurt more easily, but you can love more freely, and know Jesus love a little more clearly. In the lack of people that were constantly around it freed up my time, and my thoughts to spend with the Lord. I walk into my home now and instantly relax knowing that it is me and Jesus time; even if I never say anything. I just realize His presence and there is such a peace and grace in know He is right beside me. The Holy spirit leaps with happiness :) it get me all excited. In my need to rely on other people it has given them an opportunity to give to the Lord because they are giving to me. Yet another humbling lesson I needed to learn. God’s world is bigger than the little world that I put myself in. He is so much greater.


Thank you Lord for answering my prayers. You always surprise me. I am humbled by your attention to me and so glad that you are here. Thank you papa, for an unforgettable summer and for letting me get to know you more.


With all my love,

Heidi

Fall Beauty

September:
this is my favorite month of the year! in Alaska everything changes in this month; its one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen. I miss it. But this month marks the seasons of change all over and i cant wait to watch it happen. if

Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman

Just a few things God has been speaking to me over the last couple of Days:

God can have no competition in your heart. 

Get your heart together with your christian family. Guard your unity. Attend to them, Love them, Care for them, Help them and Strengthen them in God; Teach them and be taught by them. (prov. 31:20)

The Source of your money is Never your Job! 

“Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for i am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt 11:28-30)

Walk in a manner that is Worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

 I want to see that which is unpleasing to God in my life die as He marks me with his presence, Love and humility. That a pure spirit full of love would become an altar of Worship to give God pleasure. That all the work of my hands, all the gifts I been blessed with, would all be a marker pointing to God’s glory and wonder. 

Give me strength to be a Woman of stature Lord:

The Heart of her Husband trusts her, 

Strength and Dignity are her clothing, 

And she smiles at the future.

She opens her moth in Wisdom,

And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household,

And does not eat the bread of idleness,

Charm is Deceitful, and beauty is vain,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

To become a woman of moment by moment, turning every situation into an opportunity for talking continually with God.

Control your days instead of letting them control you. Plan your days out. know what you need to do so that you can be prepared, and always allow room for the Holy Spirit to move in unexpected ways. don’t take it as an interruption but receive it as a blessing that God chose to use you in an extraordinary way.

“To Worship God is the chief end of all man.” (A.W. Tozer)

Oh Lord how i wish to worship you. Only you are worthy of our worship and praise.

Far more beautiful, more precious than the oils, the sum of my desires and the fullness of my joy. I spill my heart, as an offering to my King. 

Lord here I am.

Take me, as an offering.

Every heart beat for your glory.

Take me.

This time that I have left is all that i have of worth, I lay it at your feet lord its is less than you deserve. You gave your life for me and so i give me life to you. Take me Lord use me Lord.

I lay myself on the altar, Not as a sacrifice but as an offering. It is no sacrifice to give back what is yours, you have paid for me with a price; so here i am. 

Worthy, oh Worthy are you Lord.

you are mine I am yours. 

I offered you dirty hands and dirty feet, only dirty lips for you to clean, but here I am. you took me in washed my feet, clothed me with purity and burned my lips with Holy fire. you have sent me to be your holy ambassador. I will do whatever you ask of me. You have romanced me. You have made me whole. 

I will go to the streets lifting up holy hand, crying from lips that have been touched by jesus. Here is my Heart you can have it all. Lord you are good and your love endures forever.

Yearning for More

I just started this new journal titled: Stones from the River of Mercy 

The first day it talked about the grace and mercy of the Lord. What would can we do to show His love and Mercy to others. Well I got my opportunity. I didn't even realize it till the end of the day, it had been so hectic. I really don't think i have worked a busier day since i started my new job, but i had people walking out of my office feeling better than when they had walked in. Someone Even complimented me on my graciousness, and i got to pray for another potential client. My "long day" turned out to be a very blessed one. I got to end it praising God for using me to show His grace if only in my work place. God is so good.

This is my beautiful friend Krista. She is as beautiful as her heart for the Lord is. This is my heart's cry. that we would worship with our whole heart with our whole lives. That everything we do would be an action of worship. to burst out in spontaneous song and spontaneous dance. That the hearts of this city would know what it feels like to become completely abandoned to everything but the face of Jesus. To dance in the street and not care what people say. To pray and see miracles happen. to sing and see people fall to their knees in awe of our King. Oh that Worship would arise in this place. That it would be an offering of our lives that is pleasing to Jesus. 

These are just some other inspiring pictures that put a yearning for more in my spirit. some i have taken, some i borrowed :)

Breathless

the month of July past so fasts its ridiculous! this summer feels like it's only beginning, yet falls right around the corner. this was my hearts cry for july:

Now that i have seen your good deeds how could i not love you? now that i have heard of all you’ve done how could i not know that you are the king and that you love your people. Now that i have been loved by the creator of Love how could anything ever compare. You have won my heart. I was hard to track down, easily distracted, and my eyes wandered through every room. But who could ignore your presence oh Lord. Who would deny themselves all that you have offered. I have tasted the lips of wickedness, I have touched the skin of sin. The heat of those actions runs through me as its poison reaches below the surface. But who is Like you God, who cleanses me of my own foolishness and removes the traces of poison from me. Even my mind has been restored my lips no longer feel impressions that were left behind by my actions, my fingers, no longer the heat. You have made me whole; now my whole being aches for you. I am in constant awe and wonder that the king of the universe loves me more than the world could ever know. You have sought after my heart, pursued it. while i was in the arms of your enemy you were waging war on my behalf. 

You have won your battle. Your fight was not in vain. You have turned my heart towards you. Now I will lay my head on your arm in perfect peace. I will sit at your feet all day long in wonder of your wisdom and kindness. I will serve you all my life for my life is little compared to your greatness. You have chosen me. What is this? I cannot understand the ways and goodness of the Lord, and yet i will not turn away from, but embrace it with all that i am. I want all of you jesus with all that i am.

in you there is perfect peace, perfect joy, and perfect Love. there is nothing lacking in you. Oh there are not enough languages, not enough words to emulate the vast greatness of my God. I wish i knew more.

Lord- blessed are you. you who needs no one; who is complete in and of yourself. Thank you for inviting me into you Holy Love. for letting me share it, not only as a spectator but as a participant. Lord give my heart greater capacities to carry your love and my mind greater understanding. I wish to grow in wisdom and truth. That your love would be carried through me, that others would know it to be true. 

you leave me breathless.

from Past to Present

Since I just started my blog let me start by sharing some pieces of my journaling over the last few months. This is to show what God has been doing from then till now: